My IVF cycle was interrupted by Covid_19…But I still have hope.

I don’t know when I will ever be able to have a baby.

My husband and I had been trying for a year when we decided to consult with a reproductive endocrinologist to do testing. 

I can still picture what I was wearing the day of that first appointment. I felt hopeful but nervous.  My husband held my hand as we rode the elevator up to the practice’s floor; he was always very reassuring to me, but looking back at the image now I can see that he was nervous too. We didn’t know what awaited on the road ahead, and a part of me is glad that we didn’t.  

After cycle after cycle, shattered dreams, and broken hearts, we stumbled upon drops of renewed hope this past February. It had taken a long time to get to this point and my doctors said that we were finally making progress in understanding what we need to do next for a better outcome. 

And then COVID-19 created a whole new reality for the world. 

When my clinic shut down, we were in the middle of a cycle. I had such high hopes that this would finally be the moment we were waiting for, that I could finally move on to the next step in the process. I couldn’t believe my ears when I got the call that my cycle had to be suspended due to the coronavirus crisis. 

My doctor and I spoke and she told me that I should not lose heart, that soon we would be able to start again. She told me that I didn’t have to feel like I would be starting at square one, that we had learned a lot from the previous cycles and she knew where we should go from here. 

She had so much hope in her voice, it was contagious. I felt a spark of feeling like maybe it was going to be OK.

On my good days I believe that everything happens at the right time. That doesn’t mean that I am not struggling; counting down the days, weeks, and months till I can try again. Time is moving much slower and faster at the same time, and I feel an urgency to continue to try and make this happen. 

I am ready for this next stage and the delay feels cruel. After all my years of waiting and wanting and praying– when will it be my time?

So now I am determined to be patient because I feel like I have to take care of me, right now. I take deep breaths. Some days I cry. Other days I feel strong and ready to prepare myself for the next stage- which I pray will bring blessing into our lives.